Nov 27, 2012

When Dreams Don't Come True

As a young girl, we like to believe all our dreams are going to come true.

As a young Christian, we tend to imagine the same kind of happy no, blessed endings.  


Because "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  Plans for all your dreams to come true.  


But here I am on the healing side of three miscarriages in one year and I have to admit- I never dreamed this would be my story.  These kind of things seem wrong and unnatural and unfair and time keeps marching on and we can't ever get these years back. I think that's the hardest part, this fear of my dreams slipping out of my fingers forever.


As if dreams were something that I could hold on to. As if they were something I could bottle up and hide and protect from reality.  Protect them from God.  Because if I'm honest, I have to admit that sometimes God and I haven't seen eye-to-eye on what is valuable and worth preserving. 


But then I remember...

I remember that once upon a time an unnamed, sinful woman came scandalously into a Pharisee's home to see Jesus.  She came and she lay at his feet, but she didn't come alone.  She brought an alabaster flask of expensive perfume, her very own bottled-up treasure, and she likely busted it open over his feet.  

There under the condescending whispers of judgement, she washed his filthy, human feet with her tears and her hair and the poured-out abundance of her fragrant, broken treasure. 


And Jesus spoke above the whispers and gave her something greater than perfume; he gave her forgiveness.  He gave her salvation.  He gave her something eternal and it was all she really wanted.


I run my fingers across the pages of his Word. Do I want to cling to my little bottle of dreams and try to fight with God about this, insist on re-writing my own story? Or will I let some things be broken in a beautiful, fragrant moment of surrender and accept the story that he is writing?  


The story with fallen Goliaths, of a Queen's crown set on an orphan girl's head, of broken bottles of costly perfume, veils torn, love poured out as blood is spilled but he lays down his life to take it up again.


Do I have the strength to be a part of that kind of story? 


I have to and I want to.


Because he is GOD.  And this is not my story to write and I don't want to write it.  His mind is bigger and his heart stretches further and he is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or even imagine for ourselves. 


Which really just means that He is the Dreamer who dreams best for me and I'll trade my little bottle for his Story any day.




11 comments:

  1. I am sitting here in tears. I am so so so sorry for your loss. Nothing can bring me to tears quicker than when I think about the baby that we lost and the image I have of reuniting with that little one in heaven someday. Praying for your heart tonight. xoxo

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  2. This resonates so strongly with where my heart is at. Setting down the pen that never really belonged to me so that He can write a story about Him, for Him and I can find joy in making much of Him. Thank you for your heart, dear!

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  3. i have cried each time, no matter how far apart we are. i'll never forget when you cried for me. i'm so thankful for you and your unfailing faith. praying for peace and healing for your heart, love you so much roomie!

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  4. So so thankful you put my heart into words. 2 babies in heaven & would have never dreamed it would be MY story. Praying for you & other hurting mommas. xo

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  5. Although I have never suffered the pain of miscarriage I have recently watched 3 friends hearts break in the same situation. The courage and love in this blog post has blown me away. Sometimes I believe God uses an awful experience to allow you to be the answer to others prayers. I have no doubt you are the answer to more than just my prayers. Your faith is inspirational and I will be praying for you as you go grieve, as you heal and as you dream Gods dreams. Hold lightly to these things on earth for it is in heaven we store up our treasures. X

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  6. There really is a unique bond between women who have shared this kind of loss, and I've been blessed by the community. I am so sorry for all your losses and my heart hurts for you. I know I will be happy to leave 2012 behind. Your words are beautiful and I hope they bring you some relief.

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  7. I commented, then thought about how my words seemed to sidestep around the hurt you're dealing with. I wanted to let you know that my heart hurts for you, and that I pray the healing comes swiftly. More than that, though, I pray you are able to find that peace that comes from resting in surrender. He WILL make beautiful things out of this (and it seems He already is).

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  8. so grieved for you, you are not alone.
    praying for you!
    that the lord would pick up the pieces of your crushed dreams and fashion new, glorious ones!
    he is good. sending a hug xoxo jeremiah 31:3

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  9. Wow. I came across your link at Holley Gerth's posting today, and your words are beautiful. I know the pain of miscarriage, and the healing touch of God the Father.
    May God cover you in His Loving Embrace, today and everyday of your life.
    Peace and good to you,
    Chelle

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  10. I also came here via Holley's blog, what a beautiful post. And your sweet little Annika has touched my heart with her adorable "how-to" video, what a precious little lamb! She is a smart cookie.

    I have had two miscarriages and not a month goes by that I don't think about them or the pain of losing each little life. My husband and I know that God is with us, and He does bring healing, but miscarriage will always be part of our story. I am leaning into God, and remember we are not alone. To God be the glory.
    Hugs and Prayers...

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  11. My heart aches for you in your many losses. {{{hug}}}

    jenni from StrokeOfGrace.blogspot.com ,
    Mommy to 3 on earth and 3 awaiting reunion in Heaven

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