there was a song that i listened to often in san antonio called "we will trust." it was all about God's faithfulness to deliver his people out of their trials. it wasn't a sad song, it was about finding peace and joy in the Lord when you want to despair. i would sing it LOUD in the car when i felt broke, frustrated, trapped and short-sighted. God would often bring me to those moments of hope, but it wasn't the wishful, idealistic hope that the world preaches. it was a deep, raw, almost painful hope.
if you dont know quite what i mean, its like holding your breath for too long. thats what the world feels like. thats the overwhelmed by life, burdened by worry, short-sighted feeling that makes you intensely realize your weakness. but you get to a point where you just explode and dump out all the breath that isn't life-giving and breath in deeply what you need.
doesn't that first breath feel so good?
that's what the hope of God would feel like in those moments. that was the song of my heart those days, constantly needing God's hope poured out in me, reminding me of his constant presence.
i ended up putting that cd in a care package to my friend in korea and haven't listened in a while, but recently got another in the mail. i put it in this morning and listened to "we will trust." its always beautiful to be reminded of God's faithfulness and deliverance and i sang it joyfully again. but the next song on the cd is called "wonder working one." i usually replayed the first so often that i didn't usually get to the next song, but this morning i did.
so much of life around me these days is a sign of change. windows down, warm sun, little white blossoms on trees that were bare just a week ago, yellow-green life springing up where all was dead and brown. i know God hasn't brought springtime just for me, but it feels like he has. i sang this new song so loud that annika shouted "no, no!" from the backseat. it felt so good to sing about what God is doing rather than the hope of what i long for him to do. they are both beautiful songs to offer to God, equally beautiful, but i rejoiced in what i feel is a new season.
not much is actually changing, we are moving and circumstances will be different, but thats not really why i sing. we've known this entire time that there would be a move and school would start in the fall. its not just relief that we're getting closer to change. its more that i can feel us moving even now, before its even happened. i can sense a change in our family, feeling older and stronger, more ready. "things" are changing but we are changing too. annika is even getting old enough to sing, i'll hear her trying to make singing sounds when she plays alone... also a reminder that she is getting old enough to relate to the world around her and feel things on her own.
i can only pray that we can reflect God constantly in our parenting and that one day she will be singing right to him.
another big change is that i've completed the adoption bible study that has filled my days so fully, and the completion is satisfying because it too has brought me to a new place in my understanding of who God is and who he desires his people (me) to be.