Jan 16, 2014

The Life Inside



It's big news - to share that there's life inside me.

It was a big thing to learn one afternoon while Annika was napping. So big that, even though I was alone, I went into the closet and cried into my sweaters. 

I was so emotional: so deeply thankful, so full of joy, so hopeful, and so afraid. 

Because there were no guarantees that this would be different.  In a physical sense and a spiritual one, I had no promises that things were going to end up like we wanted them to.  It was one of the few things that I was certain of - that this pregnancy was indeed uncertain. 

There were other things, too.  Like: God is really, really good.  That we are blessed because we know him and call him Dad.  That tomorrow is not mine to worry about and that I am called to rejoice in the Lord always and be thankful in all things. 

And I found that believing those things was empowering. Which is good because this pregnancy has been scary and twice I have told friends "it's over." 

But it was never actually over and here I sit writing the announcement that I have put off for so long: We are expecting a baby in June.  A little boy.  And his name will be Michael.

Even now, the magnitude of it seems surreal.  Even though the statistics are finally on my side and my doctor promises me all her confidence and my belly is too big to hide... I know that there are no guarantees in this broken world.  I can only live with one hand open and willing to walk through all the uncertainties and the other hand hanging on for dear life to the things I am certain of. 

And even now, my son stirs inside. He moves and kicks so much more than Annika did and I wonder if it will be his personality or if it is just a gift to constantly know that all is well.  (Or apparently it could just be the position of my placenta, which isn't quite as precious to think about.)

So now we have opened our hearts and our news to the world.  And so we also welcome everyone into this story that God is writing for our family, this journey that is sometimes dry desert but then also so deliciously sweet along the way.  Milk and honey in the wilderness

A son.  I can hardly believe the sound of it! 

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11 comments:

  1. OH MY GOODNESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) tears in my eyes and goosebumps head to toe :) such wonderful news I am SO happy for u... u will not believe me now but a few short months ago i wondered to myself about another baby for u...and i hoped it would happen... i felt u were going through 'something' because u just were not really blogging much and i missed that... and when u did write there was suffering and struggle and wondering woven through your words...CONGRATULATIONS and may God bless u...your little family and the new baby... i can't wait to read more about this amazing journey u r on right now and i feel sure of that 'happy ever after' Stay Strong C

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    1. There's no getting past you, lady! I can't believe you suspected something was up ;) You are right though... it was tough to blog about other things when pretty much all of my thoughts eventually came back to this. Even when I was trying to avoid mentioning it, it was still woven in, like you said. But I'm so glad I finally I did post it...I feel so encouraged and loved from all of the support after this announcement! Thankful for you, friend!

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  2. Totally crying at work- so happy for you all!! Really enjoy your blog/instagram and celebrating with you! :)

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    1. Thank you, Meg! It is so fun to finally share and celebrate :)

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  3. I am so excited for you and your family and will pray with you in this season of your life.

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    1. Chelsea, your sweet words are always so encouraging to see! Thank you!

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    2. You're welcome! I'm glad I found your blog.

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  4. I'm so happy for you that I'm shaking! You turned my day around. God is awesome!

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    1. Missy, you make me laugh! I love that you are feeling that much happiness for us, what an honor for us :) Yes he is always so good to us and we are so thankful for this gift!

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  5. Hello, I am not sure if you remember me emailing you with my own story of trying to conceive maybe 2 years ago?... you have been such a blessing with your blogs and your words and view of our Father have been amazing. I now can too understand the feelings you speak of when finding out you are pregnant and wanting to keep the news as if to keep the baby safe. We will to be having a little girl in June! we may be very close in weeks! I thank Jesus and feel humbled by this wonderful surprise, I am praying for you and your heart and that in the midst of the wild emotions you may be feeling you conclude in His goodness for him and your baby boy! Congratulations!!!

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    1. Andrea, hi! Yes that sounds very familiar! I've been digging through my email accounts looking for your message so I could write you, but can't seem to find it. Isn't it strange how holding onto the news felt comforting somehow? Somehow a secret just felt safer in lots of ways. And how crazy that we are both due in June!! We are June 15, what about you? Have you named your little girl?

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