The Life Inside

It's big news - to share that there's life inside me.

It was a big thing to learn one afternoon while Annika was napping. So big that, even though I was alone, I went into the closet and cried into my sweaters. 

I was so emotional: so deeply thankful, so full of joy, so hopeful, and so afraid. 

Because there were no guarantees that this would be different.  In a physical sense and a spiritual one, I had no promises that things were going to end up like we wanted them to.  It was one of the few things that I was certain of - that this pregnancy was indeed uncertain. 

There were other things, too.  Like: God is really, really good.  That we are blessed because we know him and call him Dad.  That tomorrow is not mine to worry about and that I am called to rejoice in the Lord always and be thankful in all things. 

And I found that believing those things was empowering. Which is good because this pregnancy has been scary and twice I have told friends "it's over." 

But it was never actually over and here I sit writing the announcement that I have put off for so long: We are expecting a baby in June.  A little boy.  And his name will be Michael.

Even now, the magnitude of it seems surreal.  Even though the statistics are finally on my side and my doctor promises me all her confidence and my belly is too big to hide... I know that there are no guarantees in this broken world.  I can only live with one hand open and willing to walk through all the uncertainties and the other hand hanging on for dear life to the things I am certain of. 

And even now, my son stirs inside. He moves and kicks so much more than Annika did and I wonder if it will be his personality or if it is just a gift to constantly know that all is well.  (Or apparently it could just be the position of my placenta, which isn't quite as precious to think about.)

So now we have opened our hearts and our news to the world.  And so we also welcome everyone into this story that God is writing for our family, this journey that is sometimes dry desert but then also so deliciously sweet along the way.  Milk and honey in the wilderness. 

A son.  I can hardly believe the sound of it! 

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